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Professors instructions:
Think big picture. What are you fascinated by in the texts and/or problems we’ve studied? Answering that question is probably going to give you a topic. That’s good, but now you need to turn your topic into an idea. An idea is a claim about your topic, a way of thinking about it. 
Write 8-10 pages that explain what fascinates you and what focusing on that fascinating thing allows you to say. This writing needs to be in first person. By all means quote from your text, but make sure the piece has a larger arc. Your audience is someone smart and curious who has not necessarily read the texts our class has. Think carefully about how you’ll contextualize and introduce your primary text and the bits of it you reference. 
My Unfinished Essay:
Chaos and Form
As a young adult living through a
highly transitional and volatile time in her life, I cannot help but be
fascinated by the uncontrollable nature of chaos and its overall
disruptiveness. Sometimes, I find myself envying chaos of its recklessly
carefree nature that exists outside the bounds of permission. This fascination
of mine culminates from a place of learned acquiescence; it is an adaptation
forged through necessity. Chaos is so intertwined in my life
that it sometimes becomes my life. Until recently, my gut reaction has been to
fight tooth and nail against the chaos threatening my stability, even all the
while knowing that I will never win against it. I have faced chaos many times
before, and each time, I thought it would be the last, so I would fight with
everything in me to control the situation. Lately, however, I have been
thinking about something. Instead of hopelessly fighting chaos for the rest of
my life, maybe I can admire its excruciating beauty if I surrender to it. I
have decided that chaos is nature’s way of making abstract masterpieces. Like
with any masterpiece, however, the question arises: What makes a masterpiece,
and how drastically can you manipulate and emulate one until the end product
ceases to be so?
I argue that chaos can only truly
exist in the absence of form; for instance, the greater the lack of form, the
greater the magnitude of chaos. This relationship then begs the question: Is
there any way to portray chaos, to capture its essence for a reader to
experience, without sacrificing the full force of its effects? In the context
of literature, the relationship between chaos experienced firsthand and any
attempt made to formalize it for secondhand consumption presents an issue since
chaos, by definition, is the antithesis of form. Therefore, I believe that the
posterior portrayal of chaotic events results in an inherent and significant
decrease in the magnitude of chaos experienced by the reader.
However, the representation of
chaos is a necessary plot device, especially in holocaust literature. In two of
the texts we read in class, chaos is used to convey the panic and distress of
Jews entering the Treblinka gas chambers to the audience. For example, in the
MacMillan text, we are introduced to Berilman, a Jewish man who is brought to
Treblinka on a train car. The reader follows Berilman and the other Jews as
they are led into the gas chamber. Perhaps it would have sufficed the accuracy
of the story to merely say that chaos ensued. However, that phrase does little
to satisfy readers’ curiosity.
Instead, MacMillan chooses to portray
the chaos by being as uncomfortably descriptive as possible, giving the reader
a long, grotesquely accurate account of what happens after the naked men enter
the so-called “showers” (22). Berilman feels a “wave of claustrophobic fright” as
he is “yelling, praying, [and] fighting for space” amongst the “continued
inward pressing of naked bodies” (MacMillan 22). He notices something “is in
the air… kind of shifting” (MacMillan 22). Then, Berilman hears “someone yell[ing]
from the center of the room” (MacMillan 22). The man yells “’Gas… It’s gas, and
–‘” alerting the other men to the imminent danger of their situation (MacMillan
22). Suddenly, ”Berilman’s head is driven to the wall” as the men in the room
begin “fighting each other and screaming throat-ripping shrieks” (MacMillan 22-23).
Throughout the text, MacMillan
creates brief moments of suspense by using dashes to disrupt the flow of
information for the reader. These dashes appear with increased frequency
corresponding to the escalating levels of chaos Berilman is experiencing.
The men start to cough as Berilman smells
“a rich, salty, sulfurous odor” and realizes that “[t]he air is filled with
exhaust fumes” (MacMillan 23). Berilman “breath[es] rapidly” as the “metallic”
air “sears his throat” and makes him want to vomit (MacMillan 23). Needing more
air, Berilman “fights to make space between himself and the wall[,]” crushing
his elbows against the tile as he does (MacMillan 23). The bodies of the other
men “pressing [Berilman] against the wall begin to slide downward” as they also
start feeling the effects of the gas (MacMillan 23). Desperate to escape, Berilman
“strains against them,” by “claw[ing] at the flesh of the other men until he
feels nails breaking” (MacMillan). Berilman’s breathing turns shallow since “he
is full of air and can get no more,” he is “so full that he feels his bowels
explode downward, and even that provides no space for more air” (MacMillan 23).
Then, the “pain in [Berilman’s] chest is so great that his body must circle it,
must relax around it” and so he does.
Similarly to MacMillan, Krzepicki
also attempts to convey the chaos of Treblinka to an audience albeit recounting
the experiences of women and children entering the gas chambers. However,
dissimilarly, Krzepicki goes about portraying chaos by using a different choice
in narrative style. At times, Krzepicki surrenders to the inexpressibility of
chaos, saying “It is difficult to describe the scene inside the barrack” (110).
At other times, Krzepicki chooses to use broader, more all-encompassing,
descriptive words to capture the concept of chaos, describing the barracks
scene with “the confusion of the women, the terror of the children, the tumult,
the weeping” (110).
Transcript of Student/Professor Conference About Paper:
No one like the pains, so great body, he, it was relaxed around it. And so he does that idea of circling it and relaxing around it. Like that like idea of, of something that’s an absence at the center of things. Yeah. Like that, that is exactly what’s being talked about here. Like this attempt. That’s what the problem is, right? You’re trying to describe something that’s kind of escaping, that you’re trying, it’s this, it’s about, it’s death, it’s chaos, it’s formlessness, it’s like the absence of everything. Like notice how McMillan is even kind of gesturing towards that with his imagery, right? Of this sort of like, this, the sense of like moving around, kind of coming to terms with, in the sort of collapsing of that some way, you know, like my point here is that like you could close read this even more and it sort of speaks to, it speaks to your point. Does that make sense what I’m saying? Yes. And I, I think I, I kind of noticed that like, and this isn’t, I guess in the descriptions, so maybe this is like a, a detour and I get very distracted. I take lots of detours , but like the dashes, I noticed that they were more and more dashes. Yeah. Like the closer that we were getting to kind of circling. ’cause it was, it was almost like circling the drain and it was like the more dashes kind of to me described more of like the indescribable ness of the chaos. And so he just used a dash instead. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there’s ways in which like the fictional text also has recourse to that indescribable, but it’s also then kind of at the same time trying to get there, right. Trying to get close to that thing. What’s it like, how close Ken when get to it? Like, so I think that it makes more sense to talk about that in terms of description than it does in terms of like plot or suspense. ’cause I’m not sure that that’s really Yeah, I don’t think that’s the real point. I mean like, do you know what I mean? Especially ’cause readers kind of know like there’s a suspense in some way as readers are like, will he really kill this character off ? Yeah. I mean, but like, but in terms of like what happens in that room, like we kind of already know that. Right. Do you know what I mean? , like, it’s not suspense in that. So I think, I feel like that term isn’t really helping you. That’s fair. I think I was just kind of worried about, like in the description you said that like the reader may not be familiar with the text and so I was just, but I, I kind of got lost like plot rehashing and that’s not what it’s about, so. Right, right. I mean, you know, there are times when you just need to say things about the plot and there’s nothing wrong with it. But I just mean in terms of like, I just don’t think that the use of dashes is really primarily about creating systems. I think it is primarily about like that attempt to describe something and then coming up against a wall kind of. Yeah. You know, and like, like the image that you have of circling the drain, like again, there’s all these different figures for like how to approach something that cannot actually be approached because as you say, it is the opposite of like, it’s the chaos that defies defies representation. Right. You know, so like, I think description is a really primary way of thinking about like how a text stylistically is trying to approach that issue. And that’s an issue that anyone who’s writing about like a traumatic situation, but especially like thinking about the Holocaust is gonna counter, right? Like, like how are you gonna represent this thing that is like in the level of scale and the level of like, it’s ended effect is about like destructive of, of meaning intelligibility. Right? And, and so like the, there’s gonna, it’s never gonna fully work, obviously by definition it can’t , but like, so all the things are about like, how does it try to do something that it can’t do? How close can it get? What different strategies do the text use? Right? So I think that that is gonna, like when you, the more you concentrate on that stuff, I think the better that, that this is gonna work out, You know? And that Yeah, that’s, that’s what I wanna contrast. I want to contrast the way that, like, I can’t say kki Pic. Pic, okay. Yeah. So the way that kpic like goes the opposite route that Macmillan does. Yeah. Like they’re both trying to capture chaos, but Chris Pickey tries to like, like I said, my tech, like, he almost surrenders to the fact that he can’t describe it , whereas like Macmillan is almost trying to force a description. He’s right. He’s, he, yeah. He is fighting and if you wanna stick with your metaphor, right, he’s not like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think the contrast of is very instructive, you know? So I wonder then like, thinking about what you wrote off the top and like this idea of like, you’re thinking about like what would it mean for you to kind of like not keep kind of fighting this, this the what, you know, chaos, right? Like in what way is like thinking about what this close reading stuff and what’s going on in this particular text, like how is that gonna link back to that personal situation? Like is it like, are you gonna kind of keep that element of the project or is that element of the project gonna kind of go away, or like, what’s your thought there on that? I really don’t know. I really am like very bad about linking back to like, personal examples. I just, well, you don’t Have, you don’t have to do it. Like the assignment does not require you to do it. I mean, you need to be, it needs to be personal in the sense that like, you need to actually care a lot about what it is you’re writing about. Right? Like, so the personal part could be entirely intellectual. Like, you know, it doesn’t need to refer to lived experience in any way if you don’t want to. I think it might help to touch about it, like in the conclusion or like a conclusive point to bring all those together. But I don’t think that I, I might do like, I don’t think that I’ll try and bring in like a third kind of to compare. I think that might be a, a bit much right now. . Yeah. I think it’s gonna be a challenge to figure out like how to move from that question of about representation. Like what does it mean to try to represent, you know, chaos and like, think about and how to move from that to thinking about like your own lived experience in this regard. Like, it’s not impossible, but it’s gonna be like a lot like, so, so I do think that you’ll make your life easier if you just kind of like eliminate that, you know, like it’s not required or anything like that. Like the assignment like wants you to have like an investment in the problem that you’re talking about, right? And so like, that doesn’t need to happen from a lived experience kind of level. Do you know what I mean? . So, so I think that the, you know, you can kind of, if that’s causing problems, I think you can just like kind of like get rid of that, right? So, you know, I think that if you think about like this, this question of description and the different, when you see that the one text kind of surrenders as it as you said, right? To like kind of the in inability to describe chaos and another, another text that does not, that resists with all its might with though ultimately it also has to, ’cause this can’t actually happen, right? By definition. So then the final thing would be like, so what, when you see that difference, those two approaches, what do you want to conclude about that? I don’t know. Because like, I don’t know, , I Don’t know. I mean, it, it’s like probably not a question you can answer like right now because like if you could then you didn’t really, wouldn’t really need to write the essay in a way. Right? Do you know what I mean? Like, you need to figure this out. But I’m just telling you that Anna, because like, that’s ultimately what you want to be able to, to say, right? Do you know what I mean? Like what does it do? And the reason that’s important is because that’s how you get past saying like, oh, one guy did it this way, the other guy did it the other way. There’s two different ways of doing it. Like, which is interesting, but not like, it’s ultimately not kind of giving us the conclusion that is like, ah, now I understand some of the thing here. Right. You know what I mean? I understand why I read all of this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, so you know that, so what part right? Is the thing that then you kind of want to kind of want to work at, right? And like Yeah, I mean my, my gut tells me that maybe one of those conclusions is gonna be about, might tell you something about what it is that fiction can do. Like, like it seems pretty important that one of these things is a novel. One of these things is like a kind of, I don’t know what the hell it is. It’s not really a memoir, like a testimonial document. Right. You know, like, and going back to that paradox about how it’s kind of surprising that the thing that is made up is like, is attempting to, to it is not the one that’s surrendering to this, to that, to that task. You know? And so like, so I think it’s ’cause it’s so maybe Sorry, go ahead. No, all I was gonna say is that maybe there’s a conclusion to be made about like, about the idea of fiction, you know? So I don’t know. I I don’t know what that means. I it is not worked out in any possible way. But I’m just giving you an example of like where you, a place where you might go in your kind of, so what, Well, I just, I think that like, the reason that Macmillan is so descriptive and with it being like a fictional piece, I think that he, I don’t know if this is like the right way to say this, but like, I think that it’s because he can be more descriptive , because he wasn’t there . Interesting. Does that make sense? Yeah. I mean like, yes. Also, no, like I think you’re right though. Like Why is that the case? It’s not as painful for him to write about . It’s not like ca I feel like the chaos that, how’d you say Ky Kpic Krispie, the way that I can see the, how it’s spelled, I just can’t say it the way that you, it’s Polish, it’s, sorry, it’s a different language. It’s tricky, hard, I’m not Polish , but the way that that pic was there, I feel like the, the chaos that Chris Picke experienced chaos hasn’t almost like, I’ve just lost the word, but like, holy or like an untouchable, like, like a, does that make, what’s the word I’m looking for? Like a, like a holy Ish, like a escape. Like, like a, it’s like, like, like kind of like an untouchable, but like pure, like on another, like higher level than us. Like Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I, I don’t, yeah, but like, like a, like a, like that in a way that like when if you actually experience chaos, then you can’t, if you know that you’ve actually experienced chaos and you would also know that you can’t do it justice by describing it. But Macmillan did not experience that chaos. . So he’s trying to describe it and he can, because it’s not a real chaos that he experienced . Yeah, you’re right. I think you’re right. So like, again, the power of fiction, like in the way in which some truths you can only tell when you lie, right? Like, so like, like he, in some ways Krispie just knows too much like, or he’s too . I don’t know if nose is the right word, but he’s inside of it very much at any rate, right. You know, so Yeah. That’s smart man. I, I think you should pursue that thought. Yeah. Okay. . , Okay. That sounds fine. Thank you. . Sorry, It is also been a long day. It’s Friday, it’s, I know know, I know this is a little, quite a week, but like, so I think that, you know, just to summarize again, like that closed reading is really what’s getting you to the good stuff. Yes. So you wanna kind of, you wanna extract that from the ready, you want to kind of put that the center of, of the next thing that you work on, right? As you’re revising this and you know, just throw away the personal stuff. , if it’s causing you problems, which I sort of feel like it is and like, and work through the, you know, this, the stuff that, it’s just in the way that we were now. Like I feel like you came a long way in that just in the last couple minutes here of like, ah, sort of seeing a way forward. So like, does it feel that way to you? Yes, it does. Great. Good. Okay. That’s that’s great. So that’s what I would suggest, you know, and I feel like it’s gonna work out really, really well actually. And it had that, you know, it’s, it’s the, the basis of the comparison is sort of set for you, right? Like your here are two texts about the same place, you know, about the, about that same experience, about that same moment in history. So you, you have the basis for the comparison with that key variable in terms of like, one was there and one was not. So, so what, what questions or thoughts do you have? What’s kind of like the, the, so what off of that does that also need a So what like the fact, Right? So the, I mean when I hear that, what I hear this the question of like, how do you know when an argument stops? Yeah. Which is like a very difficult question to answer, right? Like it’s, there is no, I think there’s no cut dried way to answer it. At least I’ve never found one partly, and this sounds maybe silly, but like what are you writing it for? Like what’s the assignment? What’s the brief, what’s the task? You know what I mean? like, like what, what your so what is is gonna be different in an eight page thing than it is in a 25 page thesis, right? And so like, so that’s not a, that doesn’t tell you like kind of exactly how to know, but it is not insignificant factor. I mean I think that like, I don’t know, it feels like that you have, when you have been able to allow us to move from one thing that you’ve noticing to another thing that seems totally different but is you show is in fact connected, right? . So this question about like how they each use description in terms of trying to describe chaos, but then you’re getting to a place where you’re able to think about like, you know, the, the, the, the kind of perversely almost holy quality of chaos to the person who’s actually lived it versus the sort of academic interest of the person who is not . Then you are doing that, you have moved somewhere. And I feel like that’s what the, so what involves, right? So as long as you can track such some kind of movement from the beginning to the end, do you know what I mean? That is not like just a restatement of something you said before or whatever. Like that’s sort of the way you know that you have made an argument . And then the question is like, can you can always do more. Like when it can always reframe it, you can always add another question as it were. So there’s never gonna be a place where like that’s the final thing , you know, like the boss level, right? Like it doesn’t work like that but like, but at least you’ll know oh I have done this, therefore I’ve made an argument and like one of those is sufficient for this assignment. Okay, . So does that make sense? Yes. Okay. Yes. So I was just wondering, yeah, That’s how you please track if you have I done that thing right and so, and again, I really can never stress enough the sort of like importance of like moving from the beginning to the end , right? Such that like, not like saying something totally outta left field at the end, but like how you have shown a progression and the thinking but that like we couldn’t have predicted that immediately when we first started reading the essay. Right? But that it makes sense. Whereas write a five paragraph essay, you can totally predict what the end is. ’cause you’re just gonna restate the beginning. Right. . So, so that’s not an argument by definition . Right? That’s just a statement. So yeah. Okay. That makes sense.