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In this research methods II class, the final introduction to my thesis, research paper needs to be revised and edited with possible corrections based on the instuctors feedback, and the second hypothesis to be more clear and consise . Attached is an example paper of a good thesis introduction to follow . Attached is also my intro paper that needs the editing. 
THIS PAPER IS ONLY ALLOWED TO HAVE EMPIRICAL RESOURCES/ CITATIONS. Please check the ciations. 
INSTRUCTOR FEEDBACK/ CORRECTIONS NEEDED 
Page 2: title should be at the top of the body of the text, and there should be no extra spacing between the title and the text. Also, make sure to indent your first paragraph. 
Remember, we need to avoid language like “research has proven” – the word proven means that the final word on the matter has been said, and that’s never the case in science. “shown” would be a better word here. 
The (2010) citation in the first paragraph has no author attached to it? 
In general, your intro paragraph is quite lengthy – I recommend focusing on just the main point(s) you intend to cover to orient the reader quickly. 
The second paragraph on page 3 reads as a bit redundant, given everything you covered in the intro paragraph. Extra space before the “Literature Review” heading. Remember to keep the whole document double-spaced. 
Also, second-level headings, like on page 3, should be left-justified. 
The literature review’s first paragraph touches briefly on Walker’s work, and then immediately pivots to discussing other studies. They’re never addressed again. Was that intentional? It reads as a pretty abrupt shift in topic. 
You don’t need to cite the same source in back-to-back sentences (as with LIchtenthal & Cruess on page 4). As long as it is clear to the reader that you’re still discussing the previously-cited work, you’ll be fine citing them just once. 
The Psychological Impact of Bereavement subsection would benefit from some paragraph breaks. And I’m not entirely following the organization of what’s there – you seem to change focus when you introduce the Valentine study, but then return to Lichtenthal? 
Physical Health Consequences and Positive Adjustment and Personal Growth sections should also be a second-level heading, and thus left-justified. 
“in a big way” (pg 5) – too informal for scholarly writing. 
And why do you say “we shall work on written exercises”? Who is we? 
Hypotheses are good, but I’d recommend some rewording.  
H1: grieving university students receiving a targeted grief support program will demonstrate better emotional, physical, and academic outcomes compared with those who do not receive support. 
I’m a little unclear on H2 – is this a component of the targeted grief support program? 
References: 
need to use hanging indentations for all. 
only the first word and proper nouns get capitalized in article titles. 
journal titles and volume #s should be italicized. 
Nice work overall!